Dating, Being Fat, and Being Honest
Posted on 2025-04-03
Category: Lifestyle
Wow, I really sparked some intense response yesterday with my post Dating Website Misrepresentation when I discussed a woman who showed up for a date much heavier than what she presented herself to be online.
A lot of comments came in, but there were basically six types of comments being left on that post.
1) Dan, I agree with you. People should represent themselves accurately on dating websites.
2) Dan, you’re lying when you say you would have gone out with her if she had shown you beforehand that she was fat.
3) Dan, you have no idea what it’s like to be fat. The whole world hates fat people.
4) Dan, you should have looked past her lie and given her a second chance.
5) Dan, it is okay for women to show pictures of themselves that aren’t real because men on dating websites are so superficial they will immediately pass them by.
6) Dan, maybe she just wanted you to meet her in person before you judged her so that you could discover the beautiful person that she was on the inside.
Today I want to respond to these six responses one at a time (each on its own page should you want to share a link to a specific response). I’m sure I’ll catch some flack for it (it’s proven to be a touchy subject, after all), but I hope that we can all dismantle our personal angst long enough to have a worthwhile discussion about it. Do me a favor and read to the end before leaving any comments as I tie several thoughts together. Also, I hope you understand the symbolism of the photo I chose to use.
Please note that I originally wrote this post using the word “overweight” but then changed it to “fat” throughout for semantics’ sake. It feels like a harsher word, but as some of you pointed out, overweight is a relative word that will be very different for everyone.
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Comment #1:
Dan, I agree with you. People should represent themselves accurately on dating websites.
I have to wonder how the post would have gone down had I used a different example. Since this date (which happened more than a year ago), one woman showed up who claimed she was a lawyer in her profile. She wasn’t. One woman showed up who I soon found out was in a long-term committed relationship. One woman showed up and I found out she had five kids, not one like her profile stated.
And, I immediately lost interest in all of those women, too, even though (if I remember correctly) they were all on the thin side. Had I left out the woman I originally wrote about and instead talked about one of these women, would a lot more people have been okay with it? I don’t know. I do know that I chose to discuss this woman not because of the weight issue, but because of the first words out of her mouth when we met. “Ummm, you look exactly the same as you do in your photographs. That’s weird. That doesn’t happen.” They’ve hung with me ever since that night.
I do also have to wonder, what would the response have been had the entire post been about me lying to get dates on a dating website? Would it have been as acceptable as many people thought it was for this woman to do?
I, for one, value generally honest people. I don’t like wasting my time, especially when it comes to dating, and I do think that (especially in this realm) people should represent themselves honestly. I think any woman would appreciate the same from me.
Comment #2:
Dan, you’re lying when you say you would have gone out with her if she had shown you beforehand that she was fat.
It’s very presumptuous to say I am lying about being willing to date fat women. I’ve been on several dates with women who weren’t thin and it’s never been a deal breaker.
I don’t date to find love. I date to find friendships in the hopes that one day one of those friendships will turn into lasting love. A person’s weight has no bearing on whether or not they’d make an awesome friend.
That being said, I’ll openly admit that I am more attracted to fit women than I am to obese women. I know what it’s like to be fat (I’ll discuss that more in the next section). I also know what kind of work it takes most people to not be fat in this day and age. I know a lot of people that show incredible discipline to stay in shape and remain healthy. And when they do, it’s attractive to me, mostly because I work really hard at it, too. Does that make me a douche? I hope not. I hope it just makes me human. And I don’t look for that which I’m not willing to give. Which means I’m okay with frumpy and imperfect just like I am, so long as they work on it just like I do.
Comment #3:
Dan, you have no idea what it’s like to be fat. The whole world hates fat people.
Ummm… I once tipped the scales at 350 lbs. I think I have some idea.
And no, the whole world doesn’t hate fat people. That’s a very harsh and incorrect assumption.
I come from an immediate and extended family with a lot of fat people. I have a lot of fat friends. A lot of the people I’m very closest to are fat.
But I literally don’t ever “see” any of their weight, or their bodies, or their BMI. I love them because of the way I feel when I’m around them.
As for the world hating them, that’s hog wash. These same people that I’m close to have huge networks of people that love having them in their lives. When I was morbidly obese, I had no fewer close friends than I have now. I had no fewer close relationships. I had no fewer chances to date.
I think what happens is, and I know this from personal experience, many fat people hate a big part of themselves. They hate their current condition. They hate their limitations. And they hate the road that led them to where they’re at.
And when you hate a part of yourself, you tend to believe that the entire world does, too.
As for me, you already know that I struggle with eating disorders and body image issues. I know more than you could ever imagine what it’s like to never feel attractive enough. I also know what it’s like to work hard to overcome it, get healthy, and make the tough life changes that lead to better things.
Comment #4:
Dan, you should have looked past her lie and given her a second chance.
You know… this is probably the one thing that I have wondered ever since then. Should I have seen past her lie?
I basically had two options, didn’t I?
I could choose to believe that lying and misrepresentation on dating websites was okay, normal, and even expected. Or, I could choose to expect honesty from those I meet and have relationships with (no matter the forum).
I chose the first.
No, really, I did.
No you didn’t! I’m sure you’d say. You ditched her and ran.
But look at the facts.
When she showed up, I still had dinner with her, I still paid, I still finished the date and did my best to get to know her and give her the benefit of the doubt.
But in the end, I felt deceived and I had no interest in anything that started out with a lie like that. I think that’s understandable.
I’m a guy. And just like every guy I’ve been programmed by society to desire the impossibly perfect woman. But I’m also a man. And just like every man I have the ability to discard that programming and see people for who many of them are. Beautiful no matter their size or shape.
That being said, in order to get past the “guy programming” with any “non-ideal” woman, there has to be something more powerful on the other side from the get-go, whether it’s honesty, kindness, sense of humor, or whatever other cocktail of awesomeness. When something starts out bad like this date did, it will never allow me to leave society’s programming behind long enough to give her a second chance.
But this isn’t the only programming that gets overturned. I have been on dates with many women who fit society’s mold of beauty, and I can’t tell you how physically unattractive some of these women become to me when they are mean, always angry, bitter, or unfairly judgmental of those they think are less (or more) beautiful than they.
They say that you only have one chance to make a first impression. It’s true. I don’t have to give a second chance to anybody that I don’t feel attraction for after the first date. Sometimes, I might. But it’s my choice. Just like it’s your choice to give me a second chance if I botch it the first time around.
Comment #5:
Dan, it is okay for women to show pictures of themselves that aren’t real because all men on dating websites are so superficial they will immediately pass them by.
Many examples were given in the comments of fat women who rarely or never got emails on dating websites compared to their slender friends who got hundreds.
Okay… maybe I don’t understand the purpose of dating websites. Maybe I joined one for all the wrong reasons.
You see, I go online because as a single dad, working more than full time, with a whole lot of other stuff going on, I don’t have a lot of opportunity to go out and meet new people. When I have free time, I spend it with the people I know and love already. I have no interest in the bar pickup scene. So, I go online looking for someone else in a similar situation, believing that there are a lot of great people just like me.
But do I understand some of you correctly that the goal of online dating is to get any date I can with whomever I can? Yikes, I didn’t realize that.
You see, when I put pictures of myself onto my dating profile, I put pictures that I think represent me in many areas of my life. Hobbies, interests, and yes, a couple pictures that I think I look sexy sexy hot hot in.
I put information that is true and accurate, no matter my current situation. Take income for example. A year ago when I was using Match, I listed myself honestly as broke. Now, I list myself as making a reasonable income. Six months from now, if anything changes, I’ll make the change then, too.
I also try to always have a photo that has been taken in the last month or two.
I also am honest about my drinking habits. And my parental status. And my religious beliefs.
I’m honest about what I do for a living, what I enjoy doing, how often I work out, and what I’m willing to accept and not accept in a relationship.
For some reason, I have this crazy belief that if I put my true self out there, I’ll find someone who will do the same.
In other words, my goal isn’t emails and dates. My goal is finding someone awesome to be with and finding lasting friendships.
If you’re being honest about who you are, who cares if you only get a handful of correspondences. Chances are they’re a lot more likely to be the right correspondences.
I mean, I can see what a lot of you are saying. If a million emails and a lot of first dates were my only goal, I would totally Photoshop a skinny version of my fat head onto Matthew McConaughey’s body, list myself as a millionaire, and pretend to be a member of the dominant local religion (an issue that is very important to many women here).
But… I kind of want second dates more than I want first dates. So, yeah… I’ll stick to doing it the way I’m doing it.
Comment #6:
Dan, maybe she just wanted you to meet her in person before you judged her so that you could discover the beautiful person that she was on the inside.
The problem I have with this comment is that for me, the number one sexiest thing about a woman is when she loves herself. This is something I strive for in myself, constantly.
The second sexiest thing is when she constantly works to improve herself, both mentally and physically. This is also something I strive for.
The problem never was that this woman showed up and was fat. The problem for me was that she didn’t love herself enough to be honest with me enough to let me make my own decision about it. She tricked me into a date. No matter how you slice it, that’s the truth of what happened.
Strike one.
We had dinner anyway.
Strike two happened when our conversation led me to believe that she really didn’t work on herself all that much. She was somewhat bitter over her past. She didn’t have a whole lot of positive outlook on life. And as far as I could tell she wasn’t too excited at the thought of physical activity. She was witty, and funny, and sweet just as she had been online, but the conversation brought out another part of her, too.
It really didn’t matter her reasons for misrepresenting herself. What matters was whether it worked for me, and it didn’t.
Anyway, just a few more thoughts in conclusion.
I believe it’s very much okay to be more attracted to people that take better care of their bodies. To do so does not in anyway put a lesser value on those who struggle. That being said, I am not okay with the ever-growing obesity problem. I wasn’t okay with myself when I was part of it. And I don’t think it’s right to villainize someone because they don’t profess to be equally attracted to unhealthy things or people.
I don’t want my child to grow up in a world where almost everyone has given up on their health.
Our beautiful reality is that we all have the power to become healthy where we may now be unhealthy. We have the power to lose weight. We have the power to change our circumstances. There are many of us who will never fit society’s ideas of perfect, no matter how much we do or how much we give. But most of us can do a lot better than we are doing right now to improve our health.
My genetics beg me to give up and be fat. I still cannot understand how a single slice of cake can make me gain three pounds while some of my friends can down entire pizzas and lose weight.
But I also, as I sit and type this, am sitting in workout pants, a tank top, and workout shoes because as soon as Noah’s stepdad picks him up, I’m going to the gym to turn myself a little more into the person that can actually be himself and the person who can love showing up as the person that he is.
As for lying, I won’t delude myself that I am always honest, all the time. The further I get in life, the more I believe that complete honesty for anyone is a mirage. We all pick and choose the things we lie about, the extremity of our lies, and also the parts of life when honesty is most crucial.
We all rationalize our lies, big and small. We all believe we’re protecting something greater or something more wholesome when we lie. We all believe we are okay to lie…. With some things.
What we can’t choose is how others will feel about our lies when they are discovered, how they’ll respond, or how they’ll recover from them.
Did this woman commit some great unforgiveable atrocity? No, not at all. And I understand her reasons for doing it, just like so many of you did. But that’s an area where honesty is important to me, especially based on my past and present. And that’s okay. Just like it’s okay for all of you to decide which areas of life you need people to be honest.
PS. What were your thoughts after reading the comments in yesterday’s post? What were your comments after reading my post right now? What parts do you agree and disagree with?